While standing in line at the bank recently, I felt very sad at the approach a woman was taking with her children. Typically, we see children who are bored out of their minds, so they act up, trying to get Mom's (or Dad's or Grandma's) attention.
"He's looking at me!" middle child whines...
“Stop that!” Mom shouts under her breath...
Child got exactly what she was seeking...attention.
Mom returns to “standing in line” and ignoring the children.
I am not sure what this mother expected the children to do, just sit quietly with hands folded in their lap, saying nothing, doing nothing for more than 10, maybe 20 minutes??
Children continue to fuss, smaller one decides to fidget with the part of the basket that opens to a seat, and almost gets her fingers caught. Oldest child tries to prevent the pinched fingers. This annoys the little one, who whines to her mother. This goes back and forth for a few minutes and finally the mother is exasperated....
"Just WAIT 'til I get you home..."
More fidgeting and whining...
"I can't wait 'til school starts up again and I don't have to take you with me!!" Mom has had it...but they kids see no reason to stop, so they continue on with their fidgeting and
whining...little one keeps playing with the seat.
"Go ahead, let her get her fingers caught," Mom continues,
"Let her do it, it is the only way she will learn not to play like that!"
Now, at the end of her rope, she loudly whispers at them,
"You are going to be very sorry when I get you home!"
At that point it was my turn to go to the next teller and conduct my business.
After I returned to my car and was on the way home, I still felt badly for the way those children were being treated by an otherwise seemingly loving Mom. I started to think that if this woman's children behaved in such a fashion with her, did she think her little one's would act more appropriately at school with a teacher?? Did she even care what effect her children's behavior would have on a room full of equally acting out kids??
"Not her problem..." I suppose she thinks, if it should even cross her mind.
So what could this mother have done differently? She had no other option than to bring her kids with her while she attended to her chores of banking and shopping. So, how could she have changed the complexion of her day--less stress--more fun--and build a relationship with her children who would go on to remember their mother with the utmost of love and dedication.
She had no strategy. She had no forethought. She offered no positive interaction. She made her children out to be a bothersome distraction which was forced upon her by school having it’s summer break! (Out only 2 weeks at the time of this incident!)
She felt no responsibility for her children’s actions, or behaviors, and how they might affect others. (No one wants to listen to a group of whining belligerent kids who are bored for 20 minutes, NOR their mother who repeats “stop it” over and over with no action. She has not trained her children on the proper conduct in public, so why should she expect that from them? (I would presume they are just as misbehaved at home.)
Let’s start over. A mother knows she must bring her children on her various errands, and these errands are boring and tedious for herself, let alone children. Instead of standing in line and ignoring her kids--except for warnings and chastisement over their embarrassing her in public--she could have used any number of ideas to engage the children in some directed avenue. If she had done this over time, from the beginning, with her children, they often will enter this on their own, or an older child will happily direct the younger children. Simple games, like I Spy, or word games like What rhymes with…? Depending on the age of the children there are many games to play using only sight and sound. Other situations, like a trip to the grocery store, may have your kids begging (sometimes screaming) for candy, donuts, chips, or toys. Rewarding poor behavior in this manner is ridiculous. A very small child might be interacted with in this way?
“We need milk…what can you tell me about milk?” Guided simple questions. While you are on your way, if the child doesn’t mention the word “cold”…you can. Then stop where you are at and have the child feel whatever is on the shelf…maybe a box of cereal.
“Is that “cold”? No, it’s not cold. Where is the milk in our house? It’s in the refrigerator.
An on-going conversation. Attention. Parent-child face-time. This may increase your time in the store, but probably not, if you aren’t having to correct for poor behavior. Every time you go somewhere, there are things to learn, it’s an adventure!! You can bond in a very positive manner with your kids and shop at the same time.
Older children often enjoy getting involved with the shopping. Let them peruse the weekly advertisements. Let them match the coupons to the specials. Let them take an inventory of staples and help write our the marketing list. Errands can be fun, not chores.
When I worked in a second hand store, we used to have a group of pre-school and kindergarten students come to visit the shop. There were at least 10-20 students on various occasions. One would think that would be an event we did not look forward to, but there were lessons they were being taught that were very good. First, the person in charge of the group of kids asked permission to let the kids come for a visit…we had a wide variety of very interesting things for sale including many Christmas ornaments, both antique and new. The organizer gathered the children outside the store and had them line up. She then proceeded to remind them, “We look with our eyes, not our hands…” as she continued to put her hands behind her back, the children followed. They had a working foundation set BEFORE they stepped into the store. They knew what was expected of them. They had rules to follow, and knew that if they didn’t they would not be able to return to the store. It was fun to have them come in and enjoy what neat things we had for sale…with their eyes…not their hands. Should a child be so taken with an item that they felt they could not resist, a gentle reminder of the rules and they put their hands behind their back. (Some just left their hands at their sides) They “ooohed” and “aaahhhed“, and commented, discreetly, and when the visit came to a close, they thanked us and went on their way. This was a very well-behaved group.
Establishing “rules of engagement” for different times and places with our children is important. They need to know from the beginning how they are expected to act. It needs to be practiced. It needs to be second nature to them. It will be a source of pleasure for everyone.
Attention for misbehavior is always considered
better
than being ignored by a parent
to a child.
Mother was preoccupied with standing in line, perhaps in thought, but nothing else to do but stand waiting.better
than being ignored by a parent
to a child.
"He's looking at me!" middle child whines...
“Stop that!” Mom shouts under her breath...
Child got exactly what she was seeking...attention.
Mom returns to “standing in line” and ignoring the children.
I am not sure what this mother expected the children to do, just sit quietly with hands folded in their lap, saying nothing, doing nothing for more than 10, maybe 20 minutes??
Children continue to fuss, smaller one decides to fidget with the part of the basket that opens to a seat, and almost gets her fingers caught. Oldest child tries to prevent the pinched fingers. This annoys the little one, who whines to her mother. This goes back and forth for a few minutes and finally the mother is exasperated....
"Just WAIT 'til I get you home..."
More fidgeting and whining...
"I can't wait 'til school starts up again and I don't have to take you with me!!" Mom has had it...but they kids see no reason to stop, so they continue on with their fidgeting and
whining...little one keeps playing with the seat.
"Go ahead, let her get her fingers caught," Mom continues,
"Let her do it, it is the only way she will learn not to play like that!"
Now, at the end of her rope, she loudly whispers at them,
"You are going to be very sorry when I get you home!"
At that point it was my turn to go to the next teller and conduct my business.
After I returned to my car and was on the way home, I still felt badly for the way those children were being treated by an otherwise seemingly loving Mom. I started to think that if this woman's children behaved in such a fashion with her, did she think her little one's would act more appropriately at school with a teacher?? Did she even care what effect her children's behavior would have on a room full of equally acting out kids??
"Not her problem..." I suppose she thinks, if it should even cross her mind.
So what could this mother have done differently? She had no other option than to bring her kids with her while she attended to her chores of banking and shopping. So, how could she have changed the complexion of her day--less stress--more fun--and build a relationship with her children who would go on to remember their mother with the utmost of love and dedication.
She had no strategy. She had no forethought. She offered no positive interaction. She made her children out to be a bothersome distraction which was forced upon her by school having it’s summer break! (Out only 2 weeks at the time of this incident!)
She felt no responsibility for her children’s actions, or behaviors, and how they might affect others. (No one wants to listen to a group of whining belligerent kids who are bored for 20 minutes, NOR their mother who repeats “stop it” over and over with no action. She has not trained her children on the proper conduct in public, so why should she expect that from them? (I would presume they are just as misbehaved at home.)
Let’s start over. A mother knows she must bring her children on her various errands, and these errands are boring and tedious for herself, let alone children. Instead of standing in line and ignoring her kids--except for warnings and chastisement over their embarrassing her in public--she could have used any number of ideas to engage the children in some directed avenue. If she had done this over time, from the beginning, with her children, they often will enter this on their own, or an older child will happily direct the younger children. Simple games, like I Spy, or word games like What rhymes with…? Depending on the age of the children there are many games to play using only sight and sound. Other situations, like a trip to the grocery store, may have your kids begging (sometimes screaming) for candy, donuts, chips, or toys. Rewarding poor behavior in this manner is ridiculous. A very small child might be interacted with in this way?
“We need milk…what can you tell me about milk?” Guided simple questions. While you are on your way, if the child doesn’t mention the word “cold”…you can. Then stop where you are at and have the child feel whatever is on the shelf…maybe a box of cereal.
“Is that “cold”? No, it’s not cold. Where is the milk in our house? It’s in the refrigerator.
An on-going conversation. Attention. Parent-child face-time. This may increase your time in the store, but probably not, if you aren’t having to correct for poor behavior. Every time you go somewhere, there are things to learn, it’s an adventure!! You can bond in a very positive manner with your kids and shop at the same time.
Older children often enjoy getting involved with the shopping. Let them peruse the weekly advertisements. Let them match the coupons to the specials. Let them take an inventory of staples and help write our the marketing list. Errands can be fun, not chores.
When I worked in a second hand store, we used to have a group of pre-school and kindergarten students come to visit the shop. There were at least 10-20 students on various occasions. One would think that would be an event we did not look forward to, but there were lessons they were being taught that were very good. First, the person in charge of the group of kids asked permission to let the kids come for a visit…we had a wide variety of very interesting things for sale including many Christmas ornaments, both antique and new. The organizer gathered the children outside the store and had them line up. She then proceeded to remind them, “We look with our eyes, not our hands…” as she continued to put her hands behind her back, the children followed. They had a working foundation set BEFORE they stepped into the store. They knew what was expected of them. They had rules to follow, and knew that if they didn’t they would not be able to return to the store. It was fun to have them come in and enjoy what neat things we had for sale…with their eyes…not their hands. Should a child be so taken with an item that they felt they could not resist, a gentle reminder of the rules and they put their hands behind their back. (Some just left their hands at their sides) They “ooohed” and “aaahhhed“, and commented, discreetly, and when the visit came to a close, they thanked us and went on their way. This was a very well-behaved group.
Establishing “rules of engagement” for different times and places with our children is important. They need to know from the beginning how they are expected to act. It needs to be practiced. It needs to be second nature to them. It will be a source of pleasure for everyone.
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